The equinox & Anubis
It’s the spring equinox, and later this evening the full moon peaks.
Earlier I felt I needed to be still. I sat in the dark, as I do often, and observed within.
I became aware of fierce tension in my upper back and neck.
I stayed present with it and allowed it to lock with tightness. I witnessed it, the tension, the energy, the frequency as being. I welcomed it and assured it I was not going anywhere. I would stay there forever in that state, I had no place to go. This raging frequency within me was and is my priority.
I invited it to live within my heart and assured it that we were one.
Out of the chaos came the light. Out of the will came life. – The Egyptian Book of the Dead
The tension raged and I felt as if the pressure being pushed up the back of my head could cause some sort of brain injury or aneurysm. I stayed with it. This being was Alien like, not unlike the film alien, but not exact. It screeched and moved in its own erratic fashion. I allowed it to just be. I witnessed my reflection, my shadow, God consciousness.
Then suddenly the energy shifted and became a being much larger than my physical body, bloated, balloon like, rounded. My body could no longer contain it. It quickly worked its way up my chest as my body began to prepare to expel it. I began to purge. Coughing and almost vomiting. As I coughed it up, I was aware it immediately darted back into my mouth, reattaching to my being, I felt fine with this. This energy, this entity is me, I am it, there is no separation. If it reattaches then there is further work, until there is not. I coughed it up a few times and don’t remember what happened after that.
Anubis -God of the underworld
Then I heard a voice, in stillness. It was a talking dog, Anubis, the Egyptian god. Anubis is the protector to the gates to the underworld. I have been working these days on preparing to return to the underworld in the coming weeks, to surrender more pieces of my worn out self, in the hope of gaining more freedom.
Anubis told me he had three questions:
“What do you want?” he asked.
“I seek my liberty, my freedom.” I replied
“What are you prepared to sacrifice?”
The following just came to mind, my higher self presented these two gifts, my conscious mind played no role.
The company of women I have always loved, from friendship to lovers, always seeking to explore deeper intimacy, to push myself to be free enough to be seen by them, and in turn to see them, to love and be loved, to play and explore. I love the Goddess. I surrendered this desire, as if it would no longer be a part of me, and felt empty, alone, but okay.
My need to argue, battle, debate, to be right, flashed through my mind, my need at times to have answers. In silence I wondered who I might be. To say nothing, to have nothing to add. I let this go too. I felt empty.
“All of me, whatever I think I am.” I told Anubis.
He asked a fourth question, which I can’t remember, but I responded “That’s a fourth question”, considering he had said earlier he had only three questions. He gave a playful response which I forget too, but I knew there was love and play in this work.
“Remember this for the coming days” said Anubis. Meaning my emptiness, my surrender, to see where it takes me.
Then I returned to the present.
(For those interested, I run a 6 week online course for women that includes daily meditations individually chosen for each person, 3 remote energy healing sessions and the exact steps I use daily in order to neutralise and care for my own pain as it arises. I am also in the process of building A School For Warrior Women. If any of this work interests you, be free to make contact with me or click this link to find out more.)
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