Ayahuasca Part 3 – Live free or die
This is Part 3 of a 3 part series on my first ayahuasca experience. I strongly suggest reading the first two parts as they lead up to this final post. Part 1 available here covers what ayahuasca is, its effects and my knowledge of the ceremony before I first drank it.
Part 2 is available here and covers the journey that led me to the experience in this article. There will also be audio files further describing the journey coming soon.
I‘ll skip straight to my journey, other than to say this was a closed group of people in Ireland, some of whom have a lot of experience with the medicine. I was the only first timer present that night. We sat in a circle on couches and armchairs, each with a basin and roll of kitchen tissue at our feet. I had a brief discussion before hand with the person organising the medicine to arrive at a suitable dose for my first time.
Soon it was time for a brief talk about ayahuasca, suggestions such as try to stay in the room, where the toilet was and so on. We were encouraged to try to keep the medicine down for forty minutes if possible, this gives it time to be fully absorbed into the system and do its best work. From my preparation I knew that vomiting was likely, or purging as it is called, and heard mixed descriptions of the taste. There would be music played loudly throughout (although I was barely aware of it), more tribal or didgeridoo, specially selected to take us on a journey, so the end of the fifth track would indicate forty minutes. There is no dancing, little or no talking, people observe their own inward journey.
This was an incredible, demonic experience, incomparable to anything I had ever previously encountered.
Then time to drink, we went up two at a time to a small alter where bottles and glasses of this muddy dark green liquid sat. It looked like grass cuttings and thorny nettles were blended badly and poured for drinking. It tasted like bitter stale coffee in a way, didn’t really bother me at this point, but as the night went on the taste became disgusting in my throat and mouth and my stomach very sick. The view from the shamans is that it purposely tastes disgusting so as not to be abused. This is medicine.
We were told it was good to have an intention for Mother Ayahuasca to work on throughout the process. To drink and then sit down and start a dialogue with her. So I sat and began to talk to the medicine, I had little to say but did feel that I trusted her and this experience and felt and said on and off “Do your work”, knowing this had to be done, and she knew what she was doing. This experience was presented to me, I knew I had to take it, so I felt there was something worthwhile in it for me.
Soon all the lights were turned off and all candles except one were extinguished, so we sat in semi darkness. Very quickly I’d guess in twenty minutes or so I began to feel the effects, to hallucinate mildly, become disorientated. I struggled with this from the start, letting go and going with it. I’ve not taken any drug in nearly sixteen years so to suddenly be losing control of my consciousness was a challenge, I fought it at times. When light and enjoyable I could relax but when darker thoughts or visions began to appear I began to lock up and fight. I knew instinctively darkness was coming, always in the background, so on a deeper level I was anticipating that confrontation. The only reason I was in that room is because I had demons to face.
The words that flew through my mind were evil, hellish, satanic, powerful, truly demonic.
Then, suddenly I felt a mix of absolute burning fire in my stomach, like an explosion, and at the same time as if I was about to totally leave reality as we know it. This was not fully a physical sensation, it was as if the genie had been awakened, there was energy, fiery life was awakened within me, literally. I would guess within a couple of minutes of this sensation, this was only in the second track, I knew I was going to puke, there was nothing I could do, it was already on its way, I grabbed my basin and doubled over to let it out.
I assumed I had puked all the medicine out and felt quite disappointed with myself only lasting such a short time, I also wondered if I would have much of an experience now that the medicine didn’t have a proper chance to be digested. Feeling a bit embarrassed as the newcomer who pukes after a few minutes I managed to relax back and unexpectedly began to hallucinate and enjoy the experience for a while, feeling quite uplifted. I’m not sure what thoughts or visuals came to me but I did feel very grateful to be in the room, to be sharing this experience with the group. There was a feeling of unity and joy.
Not long later I felt another sudden need to vomit, although I quickly realised I was about to purge. My understanding is vomit requires the contents of the stomach to be expelled, to purge in my experience, is to expel an energy of sorts, which sounds and looks like dry retching.
I began to notice proper dark satanic energy, frightening, threatening, demonic, devils, fire, red and black. I felt disorientated and wondered if I was hearing the music from the satanic ritual scene in Eyes Wide Shut. The red and black, that kind of music and faces similar to those masks (in the link below) bombarded me. This was not a visual with my eyes open, although I did look around trying to make sense of what was approaching, rather a sensory visual if that makes any sense. I felt it all around me, filling a circle of energy around ten or fifteen feet out from me, I was enveloped in a threatening darkness that extended beyond our limited human senses. Instinctively I knew I needed to remove this energy from my whole being. In hindsight it certainly was not the conscious “I”, perhaps my higher self, perhaps Mother. Although the entity was threatening and terrifying, I did not feel terrified, I didn’t have time. I knew this thing was being purged from me and I didn’t have time to dwell on it. The words that flew through my mind were evil, hellish, satanic, powerful, truly demonic. Although there was no thing physically in front of me, this invisible thing was far more real and more aggressive than an aggressive male wanting to do me damage. But whereas the three dimensional male I would fight, badly, or run, here I instinctively knew I had to purge and force this entity out.
I purged this entity up eventually, as it roared from my guts. I say entity rather than energy as this thing had a life of its own, I felt its energetic body flushed up through my chest and out my throat taking control of my vocal cords. Purging might mean nothing comes up, just a spit, I mean nothing physical from the stomach, but belches and roars an wails may come, and in those moments it’s as if I was possessed or perhaps more accurate to say sharing this physical body with another entity rather than it taking me over, it was fighting to remain, to feed off me, and to threaten me to back off. The roars from my guts were not me in fear or pain, it felt to me they were the other entity reacting at being discovered and evicted. I would feel movement in the pit of my gut that would push around and gradually get pushed up through the stomach, the chest, the windpipe and out the mouth. Like a monster at the end of a long corridor, it seemed small at first and barely audible, soon the ground shakes, the pace and size is visible and frightening as it runs towards you, but if you remain still and centred, let mother do her work, follow the instinct to push, the monster runs right by you and out the door.
I can only assume that first purge lasted around ten minutes and in the minutes afterwards the gravity of what had occurred began to sink it. I had just experienced what I had read about and contemplated for the previous three years. There is a world of difference between reading about demonic entities in books, listening to them discussed in podcasts, to actually being confronted by one within my own being. I now had a little experience of how this worked. I noticed I was covered in sweat, beads running from my forehead and my arms felt damp with sweat in my clothes. I began to feel ice cold suddenly and pulled my blanket up over me and lay back to rest.
I felt good and relaxed but as time passed I began to feel things were too mild, I worried that I had vomited up the medicine too early and worried that my night might be over, I felt there was a lot more work to be done and as I noticed a couple of other people approach the alter for more medicine I decided I would like a small dose.
The top up was a shot glass, I was worried I would be unable to keep this down for any length of time, at this stage the rank taste of the liquid was in my mouth and nostrils, there was no escaping it. Nausea was taking over. I drank it and returned to my seat and was surprised I didn’t vomit. I continued a brief dialogue with Mother asked some questions about my life and received short to the point answers.
As I mentioned in the previous post I was told three years ago by a shaman that I “have a very strong light” also that “demons are attracted to people with a strong light, to destroy them”. Now Mother told me I was a “light worker” and also that I am a “warrior”, that I have battled and earned my light, and to own it. I contemplated these things but within minutes I was told along the lines “You’re going to need it now”, meaning need the warrior side of me. I immediately felt a wave of fear run through me as I now had an idea what was coming, but I knew the earlier experience might turn out to be tame by comparison.
I decided to use the bathroom before the second dose of medicine hit me, and on my way back one of the group was in the hallway, I suspected she had been keeping an eye on me, and she guided me back to the room, but as I got closer I just felt I was not ready to go back in. I felt increasingly disorientated and nauseous. She suggested we sit on a the stairs outside the room for a few minutes which suited me. I’ll refer to her as Jane, and later discovered she had not drank any medicine that night but was there in a sense to facilitate and assist in helping those cleanse who needed.
Within minutes I began to purge repeatedly, dark demonic evil entities. I use these words as the closest thing we have in language to describe them. During the purging here I found myself sat bolt upright, eyes closed, jaw open roaring these things out one at a time, almost like a wolf howling at the moon, without the howling, this sound came from the guts, chest and throat. At times I would become self conscious and immediately snap back to reality and turn and apologise to Jane, in the same instant I would notice the entity disappear, retreat back within me. Jane of course reassured me there was no need to apologise and that I needed to keep focus on the purging. At times on the step I would slump over in exhaustion after another release, only minutes or seconds later to feel more stirring in the pit of my stomach and the whole process would begin again.
During these times Jane performed what I assume to be shamanic clearing on me. I don’t understand exactly what she was doing but I am forever grateful she was there and the work she performed. Tobacco smoke is used to clear dark energy and touching chakra points in my chest I instantly felt the entities react aggressively. I was barely aware of what she was doing most of the time. Some times they could be felt in the pit of the stomach and it took work to get them up, or they got stuck in the chest or throat and I would indicate to the points and she would help, the tobacco really did help, I could feel the entities scream within, but it was a horrible feeling for me, more almost puking, roaring, sweating and giving birth in a way, pushing these things out. Relentless.
I sat with Jane quite a while and the purging continued before she suggested we go to a small room just beside the big room. There was a mat on the floor and beanbags, and basically the same thing carried on for a long time, I don’t know how long. But basically until near the end of the night, I’m guessing in total four to five hours from the first drink of medicine until the closing ceremony. It was relentless, these things came up one after another or so it felt. A number of times I had the awareness to ask Jane “Are you safe?”. She always replied yes. I just had a split second of awareness that something dangerous was about to be released. I’m not sure if my conscious mind was asking her, or if my higher self or the medicine. She gave guidance to breathe in light and fill up the stomach and heart, and breathe out darkness. I’ve used this over the years in meditations and well, I just did it, but never knew if it was having any effect. In this experience the light did aggravate and help expel more dark entities, like the tobacco I noticed an immediate response.
I saw some of their faces which reminded me of old Renaissance paintings of demons.
I had heard that as they leave you get to see what they look like and perhaps where in your life they are from. I only got to see what a few of them looked like, ugly, black, grey, red, demonic faces. I did not get to see any information where they came from, this life or previous, or what situation, not that I can remember now anyway.
There were three types of beings that I purged. Some were just a light groan as they rose up through my chest and left without fight, others were aggressive, like attack dogs, they showed their fangs and fluffed themselves up to threaten and intimidate me, I mean in an energetic sense rather than visual, although I saw some of their faces which reminded me of old Renaissance paintings of demons. I saw no bodies, just faces. But they seemed ignorant, I felt they just fed on me and would eat me alive if possible, but now were forced to angrily and unexpectedly find another host.
But then there was a third kind, of which only two stand out in my memory. These were ferocious, and felt enormous, their intensity was much greater and they battled to remain in a different way, they were smarter and knew to disappear deep within me with any lapse in concentration on my part, they took time to remove. One of them felt very grand and ancient, certainly thousands of years old. Reflecting the following day I remember it was more refined and mature, old and wise. This entity when finally defeated, left in a swoosh, as if knowing he would just find another host to feed on, wise enough to know this happens, this is part of his life. It has been suggested to me that these demons can be placed on people, especially people of the light. I have wondered a lot about this particular entity, there was something strange and very different about it, as if it looked at me with knowing, knowing who I am as a “light worker” perhaps, rather than just living in another body to feed. I wondered had he been placed in me. It felt like the scene in a movie when the assassin misses the target, the target looks around, and their eyes meet and they both realise the extent of the situation, in a fraction of a second the target realises that someone wants him dead. Who? Why? And the assassin now knows that the secret is out, the target will take steps to protect himself, and the chances of a future kill have just become much more difficult.
Graham Hancock – “I felt that I was under attack from a negative entity” (2mins in length)
Throughout the actual purging I felt centred, at times I asked Mother to be gentle, but I repeated many times to the entities that “I am God, I am greater than you”. I told them to leave, that I would not submit. In my core I felt strong, but regularly in between purging the exhaustion would overcome me, the feeling that this was never-ending, the shivering, the sweating, the constant overpowering nausea, and my back was very sore throughout. I was experiencing hell, in a very literal sense, I have no doubt about that. During this time I began to wonder how I had managed to stay alive up to this point in my life. Be these things real or created by my own sick subconscious I was amazed they, or I, had not destroyed me a long time ago.
I did feel guilty that Jane had to work continuously with me but I imagine I might have felt overwhelmed eventually if left alone. Knowing that there was support there when needed allowed me to remain focused on my intention, to rid myself of these parasites. From time to time the odd person would come into the room to check on Jane and myself which did help. Eventually she suggested we go to the main room for the closing ceremony. I was glad to know a few hours must have passed but I was still in the horrors, the purging continued and I felt extremely nauseous. When I got to my seat in the main room Jane began to work on the guy to my right, and as she worked on him I felt more entities react and spasm within me, so more purging followed. She worked on the guy on my left and the same, I released more. It was obvious when healing energy entered my energetic space, these things within me scowled and fought. At one point I was struggling to get another one out, pushing and trying to get it up and opened my eyes for a second, I saw someone in the room come over to talk to me, encouraged me and blew smoke, helping me to purge again, he stayed a while and helped me get a few more out. I felt a bit more uneasy here in the main room, at least I had some privacy in the small room, and I could feel now that other people were beginning to come down from their experiences. Yet this still seemed relentless, after the bigger releases I’d get a break of a couple minutes or more and then it would start again.
Very gradually things did begin to slow down. And I knew in the room other people were finishing up. When I opened my eyes I was totally cross-eyed, I could not see straight. It was easier to keep them closed. The taste and smell and nausea was really hard to take, even now the smell and taste comes back at times and turns my stomach. Gradually the blurred vision wore off, but much more gradually the nausea wore off, taking another few hours to totally disappear. I struggled to take some mouthfuls of water afraid it would result in more purging. I did purge more after drinking, but the water tasted great and gave me a little life.
Eventually the purging totally stopped and I slumped back exhausted and sick. The lights came back on and someone said a few words and then before I knew it one by one people were speaking a bit about their experience. It was good to listen to them, by the sounds of it they had very different experiences to me, some did purge, not all, but I don’t think to the degree I did. I was comparing myself to them, trying to get some understanding of what I had just went through? So I did feel a bit self conscious that I had been purging all night. Hearing others share also gave me an idea of time, that as the shares worked around the room, I was one of the last, I knew that time was passing, which meant the nausea might subside and the blurred vision. I wanted to come back to normal now more than anything, I had had more than enough. I did feel there was more entities in me, and sensed I had not finished purging overall, but I was finished for this ceremony.
I shared and thanked the group and Jane for her work, and those for having me there. I talked a little about how dark it was. Some others had really amazing experiences, and spoke with wonder and love for Mother Ayahausca. I said that I didn’t feel that, but that I knew the work was necessary and was very grateful for it.
That was it, then we talked a bit, big bowls of fruit salad were brought in, I ate a little and the fruit tasted incredible, and drank some water. I felt myself returning to normal. Within another hour or so the effects completely wore off. Although I was obviously exhausted, in a way I was energised that the nausea was becoming less and I was beginning to feel human again.
After arriving home I wrote for an hour and then managed to sleep for three hours, and again later that afternoon. But despite being warm in bed I felt ice cold chills running through my body, and my mind was definitely still processing and releasing. As I was drifting off to sleep that night I could feel the medicine still at work and asked “How many entities did I release?” Without missing a beat I heard the number 34 and fell asleep. The number feels right, as some fought on and retreated within me when they could.
I will probably write a brief update since this experience, which was 16 days ago. But obviously since that night my perception of it has changed and the memory fades of how frightening it was. In the moment on that night, those experiences were more real than this three dimensional world. It is my opinion that everything I experienced did actually happen, that these were not some kind of hallucinations or drunken nightmares that my subconscious spat out. This was my first time drinking the medicine, so in time I have no doubt more will be revealed. I do intend to drink it again, I feel there is a lot more growth and exploration that would be beneficial to me, and I know there is more purging to do.
I went on to drink the medicine a number more times, and wrote an update post here after my fourth ceremony.